Knowing God

Is God a Being that I Know?
I have been a Christian since I was child and I lived in Christian environment. All of people around me (include my family and community) helped me to build my own understanding about God. Unfortunately the people there still defined God as a Being that they want. Everybody knew that God is love and of full of mercy, nobody taught me that God also a holy Judge. May be they were not as severe as Indiana Church, but their point of view have shaped my mind into wrong understanding about God.
Having such this faith made me believe that God would fulfill all things which I asked in pray. That was way, I became same as Richard who always prayed to God and asked for His direction and helping when I face a problem. In my deepest heart I believe that God is a mighty Being, full of love and able to do everything and of course will help me and release me from a bad situation. Of course it was not wrong, if my faith stopped there, it meant I placed God as my “servant” who should do everything that I want.
I still remember that initially my mind is full of worry because I continued my study here in order to obey my mother will which was not appropriate with mine. Even though, my mind changed at UPH Festival when all of my lecture and mentor reminded me that I could join in TC because God’s calling, then He will enable His chosen one. I was very happy to hear this, because I was very sure that I’ve done God wanted and it brought a big hope and a new zest for me to live my life here.
After several times, I found everything didn’t run as what I want. I was struggling in almost all part of my life here include how to adapt with my new community, how to manage my time which was so busy and also my academic. I always brought that problems in to my pray, but nothing changed, I still in bad situation, even it was getting worse. I thought I was light someone who wanted to mix water and oil, no matter the effort that I gave, but the result was nothing. Even, it would not see how big the mixer’ hope and how long she/he mixed it, but that water and oil would never being mixed. It was same with my praying life, I felt that something which I asked in my pray would never be given by God.
At that time, I was a little bit same with Richard and asked, “Why does God tight lipped? Why doesn’t he answer me or give me direction?”  Even though I always thinking about this, but I always kept this in my heart and never asked this question to someone, even my closest friend because I was very ashamed and worry if they would laugh over me and query my faith. In order to cover it, I instead acted as a faithful Christian people. I tried to show that I was genuine believer who putted my whole life in Him. For example, I often reminded them who felt disappointed with God. When one my roommate felt that God didn’t loved her again, I came as a motivator and say that God was love and His plan was the best planning ever and made her sure that everything would be okay. I realize that I was worse than hypocrite person who didn’t know Him.
My hesitation was not stop over there, I also query about God justice, because when I do something which I feel that I appropriate with His will, I will feel that I couldn’t reach my goal. All of the question in my heart even bring me to a sadden question, “do I worship a life God? Does He really exist?” If He really existed, I assume that I was like a robot, which is dedicated to help the owner without any willing.
I was very glad that I got MIT class on my first term in TC, because it helped me to have the true faith and knowing my God. Then, now days I am very glad that I get ST 2 which bring me to knowing my God attributes. Then I am very glad that after read the book “Disappointment with God”, I can get the real answer of my question all this time based on the Bible.
After knowing the truth, I want to change before God. I commit that I will surrender my live in His hands. I want to know Him deeper by my personal relationship with Him through my pray, Lectio Divina, read the Bible and worship Him in everything that I do. Of course I will still pray and involve Him when I face some problems, but if my pray doesn’t get answer, I will not query and hesitation God directly, but I see it as a part of my faith and spiritual growing. I really believe that when God doesn’t grant my pray, it means he has other plan which will bring big hoping as Bible has said that God gives full hoping future (Jeremiah 29:11).


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